So I had the experience over the summer of losing weight and getting a lot of attention for how I looked. But as the months passed I began to get attached to this new identity and perceived that I was getting more love as a result of being ‘more beautiful’. And old pattern restirred. Restirred with vengeance.
Me running Central Park in NY, July 2011
Before long a slow and building paranoia about putting the weight back on began to crowd me. I knew that this worrying and fear would bring the weight to me again, but I couldn’t seem to stop those thoughts and feelings. I’m not sure if it was the fear that prompted me to begin to binge and then begin throwing up again, and to be back into a childhood pattern of bulimia.
I have been experiencing the condition of ‘bulimia’ for the last 19 years, from time to time. I haven’t told many people that, except in the last week that is. I think I’ve told approximately 300 people since last Tuesday, and now of course, all of you.
Last Monday I decided to tell someone that I had been binging and throwing up almost every day for the last month. My biggest fear was telling someone. I was happy to try all different ways of getting better provided none of them included the idea of telling someone.
It was amazing how God brought in his armies to support me and lay out the next steps I needed. It was like the action and affirmation of ‘Help!’ here in this physical world, to a fellow human being was the action step God had been waiting for.
The next day I enrolled in USM and joined FA: Food Addicts in Recovery (A 12 step program).
The feeling of freedom I now have is incomprehensible to me. I just feel so free and supported and held by God.
I am aware that while I thought I was the one that was controling and creating my body a certain way – trying to manipulate and force and push myself and my life into a particular form that I thought I should be in order to be loved by others – that the result was exhaustion and paranoia. And the result was that even when I was lighter I didn’t feel more beautiful. I didn’t feel beautiful despite those around me saying so. And I think perhaps all my effort channelled into my physical appearance in search for more love, was inevitably going to bring me back to the knowing that the only love is from within and it has nothing to do with how I look.
And I am now aware that in letting go of trying to do this all myself, and in receiving the grace of God, the support and love from fellow human beings, I am trusting that I will be ok. That I am beautiful. That I am loved.
I was getting dressed this morning. Heavier than I have been for months, but I felt the prettiest I have for months.
And I’m not certain why but my sense is that it has to do with the fact that I am relaxed and have given control and creation of my body over to God, and I’m here waiting and watching, cooperating with His lead as best I can. Whereas when I thought that I was doing it, that it was me that was in control of my body and my beauty … oh my Lord I can just tell you it made me so, so, so tired, empty and alone. And the craziest part of it … I didn’t feel pretty at all.
To all of you human beings in my life that love me and support me God bless you and thank you.
To the sweet spiritual assistance of the heavenly spheres thank you and I love you.
And to conclude some words of wisdom from my favorite and wisest friend J-R.
“At the root of our emotional addictions is our belief structure, which continually undermines us by telling us two things:(1) that we will be alone or abandoned, and (2) that we will lose control of reality.
The fear of losing control is the strongest human motivator. Control is the master addiction. It is not lack of courage that keeps us from moving forward, as most people think; it is the fear of losing control. We want to control, and when we feel we can’t, we freeze, we stop. The person who fears loss of control is like a deer caught in the headlights: Instead of running off the highway to safety, it stops in its tracks.
What you are really saying in this struggle for control is, “I’m fearful that I won’t succeed.” In a very subtle way, that fear is a form of atheism because it tells you, “There’s no God to help you.” You move into doubt, and you freeze again.
Spiritual Warriors turn doubt into a tool. They don’t attempt to control it, but they refuse to let it control them. They use it the same way you use a guard rail when you are on a highway running alongside a steep cliff: To mark the boundary between the road and the void. As soon as you feel doubt, move back in until you find yourself once more on firm ground.”
- John-Roger (From: Spiritual Warrior, The Art of Spiritual Living)
moving forward is about loving where you are
So after my last blog post / blog confession, I’m happy to report life is good and I’m doing really really well.
USM has been incredibly healing, and I’m loving myself with food, loving my body more and more every day, and learning so much about learning to love, living in a physical body, and learning that doing my best is enough. Always. Enough.
me hiking mapleton national park, sunshine coast, australia
A big new awareness for me recently is this: truly loving and accepting and being really ok with what is my reality is right now – is the key to moving forward in that reality. For example, loving and embracing and being aware that my body is lovable, ok and IS ENOUGH – is the key to moving forward and to expanding and growing into a higher expression of my body. Maybe. Just my thoughts for the moment.
I have been putting so much energy into loving myself and doing whatever I can to see, perceive, view and experience myself and my body as beautiful, as enough, as wonderful and OK just as I am right now. And it’s an experience that’s either there or it’s not. Sometimes I get the experience and I truly feel as if I’m breathing that acceptance and unconditional loving through my body, healing it and embracing it. And sometimes they seem to be only shallow thoughts, ideas and make believe fantasies that try as I can, doesn’t seem to feel real or really be able to replace the doubts and disdain I have for myself or my body.
I have had so many beautiful moments recently of the healing nature of those moments when that love sinks in, when that visceral tangible experience of my own love and acceptance hits and floods my beingness. I truly think that is the essence of healing and am currently in a 32 day process to extend that loving healing to myself and my body daily.
And the other wonderful awareness I have had of late, reinforced by words from J-R in a video we were watching the other day, was that even those times when I miss the mark, when I look into the mirror and try to love myself and accept what I see … and I feel miserably short, when I seem to only be able to find fault, when my eyes only seem to be able to see the imperfection and the flaw and the lack … that these moments are also part of my healing and awakening. These times amidst the negativity or darkness, these moments of intention to find the Light are quiet yet powerful prayers that help me to grow and strengthen inside. And very gradual and insignificant they might seem … they are part of my movement and awakening forward. And I am grateful for all my trying, for all my falling and failing … and for all the loving I have given to myself.
I am so grateful for this existence. This incredible opportunity to learn to love and then to love some more.
I love each of you, am grateful for all your love and Light, and will keep you posted about my progress.
I will also be putting together a health and well-being support group – focused around food and body image – in the LA area – so email me zoe@msia.org if you’re interested (either in participating, or if you have resources and experience and would like to be part of the support structure – or both.)
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