moving forward is about loving where you are

So after my last blog post / blog confession, I’m happy to report life is good and I’m doing really really well.

USM has been incredibly healing, and I’m loving myself with food, loving my body more and more every day, and learning so much about learning to love, living in a physical body, and learning that doing my best is enough. Always. Enough.

me hiking mapleton national park, sunshine coast, australia

me hiking mapleton national park, sunshine coast, australia

A big new awareness for me recently is this: truly loving and accepting and being really ok with what is my reality is right now – is the key to moving forward in that reality. For example, loving and embracing and being aware that my body is lovable, ok and IS ENOUGH – is the key to moving forward and to expanding and growing into a higher expression of my body. Maybe. Just my thoughts for the moment.

I have been putting so much energy into loving myself and doing whatever I can to see, perceive, view and experience myself and my body as beautiful, as enough, as wonderful and OK just as I am right now. And it’s an experience that’s either there or it’s not. Sometimes I get the experience and I truly feel as if I’m breathing that acceptance and unconditional loving through my body, healing it and embracing it. And sometimes they seem to be only shallow thoughts, ideas and make believe fantasies that try as I can, doesn’t seem to feel real or really be able to replace the doubts and disdain I have for myself or my body.

I have had so many beautiful moments recently of the healing nature of those moments when that love sinks in, when that visceral tangible experience of my own love and acceptance hits and floods my beingness. I truly think that is the essence of healing and am currently in a 32 day process to extend that loving healing to myself and my body daily.

And the other wonderful awareness I have had of late, reinforced by words from J-R in a video we were watching the other day, was that even those times when I miss the mark, when I look into the mirror and try to love myself and accept what I see … and I feel miserably short, when I seem to only be able to find fault, when my eyes only seem to be able to see the imperfection and the flaw and the lack … that these moments are also part of my healing and awakening. These times amidst the negativity or darkness, these moments of intention to find the Light are quiet yet powerful prayers that help me to grow and strengthen inside. And very gradual and insignificant they might seem … they are part of my movement and awakening forward. And I am grateful for all my trying, for all my falling and failing … and for all the loving I have given to myself.

I am so grateful for this existence. This incredible opportunity to learn to love and then to love some more.

I love each of you, am grateful for all your love and Light, and will keep you posted about my progress.

I will also be putting together a health and well-being support group – focused around food and body image – in the LA area – so email me zoe@msia.org if you’re interested (either in participating, or if you have resources and experience and would like to be part of the support structure – or both.)

Posted in Love | Leave a comment

upgrading my addictions to God

So I had the experience over the summer of losing weight and getting a lot of attention for how I looked. But as the months passed I began to get attached to this new identity and perceived that I was getting more love as a result of being ‘more beautiful’. And old pattern restirred. Restirred with vengeance.

Me running Central Park in NY, July 2011

Me running Central Park in NY, July 2011

Before long a slow and building paranoia about putting the weight back on began to crowd me. I knew that this worrying and fear would bring the weight to me again, but I couldn’t seem to stop those thoughts and feelings. I’m not sure if it was the fear that prompted me to begin to binge and then begin throwing up again, and to be back into a childhood pattern of bulimia.

I have been experiencing the condition of ‘bulimia’ for the last 19 years, from time to time. I haven’t told many people that, except in the last week that is. I think I’ve told approximately 300 people since last Tuesday, and now of course, all of you.

Last Monday I decided to tell someone that I had been binging and throwing up almost every day for the last month. My biggest fear was telling someone. I was happy to try all different ways of getting better provided none of them included the idea of telling someone.

It was amazing how God brought in his armies to support me and lay out the next steps I needed. It was like the action and affirmation of ‘Help!’ here in this physical world, to a fellow human being was the action step God had been waiting for.

The next day I enrolled in USM and joined FA: Food Addicts in Recovery (A 12 step program).

The feeling of freedom I now have is incomprehensible to me. I just feel so free and supported and held by God.

I am aware that while I thought I was the one that was controling and creating my body a certain way – trying to manipulate and force and push myself and my life into a particular form that I thought I should be in order to be loved by others – that the result was exhaustion and paranoia. And the result was that even when I was lighter I didn’t feel more beautiful. I didn’t feel beautiful despite those around me saying so. And I think perhaps all my effort channelled into my physical appearance in search for more love, was inevitably going to bring me back to the knowing that the only love is from within and it has nothing to do with how I look.

And I am now aware that in letting go of trying to do this all myself, and in receiving the grace of God, the support and love from fellow human beings, I am trusting that I will be ok. That I am beautiful. That I am loved.

I was getting dressed this morning. Heavier than I have been for months, but I felt the prettiest I have for months.

And I’m not certain why but my sense is that it has to do with the fact that I am relaxed and have given control and creation of my body over to God, and I’m here waiting and watching, cooperating with His lead as best I can. Whereas when I thought that I was doing it, that it was me that was in control of my body and my beauty … oh my Lord I can just tell you it made me so, so, so tired, empty and alone. And the craziest part of it … I didn’t feel pretty at all.

To all of you human beings in my life that love me and support me God bless you and thank you.

To the sweet spiritual assistance of the heavenly spheres thank you and I love you.

And to conclude some words of wisdom from my favorite and wisest friend J-R.

“At the root of our emotional addictions is our belief structure, which continually undermines us by telling us two things:(1) that we will be alone or abandoned, and (2) that we will lose control of reality.

The fear of losing control is the strongest human motivator. Control is the master addiction. It is not lack of courage that keeps us from moving forward, as most people think; it is the fear of losing control. We want to control, and when we feel we can’t, we freeze, we stop. The person who fears loss of control is like a deer caught in the headlights: Instead of running off the highway to safety, it stops in its tracks.

What you are really saying in this struggle for control is, “I’m fearful that I won’t succeed.” In a very subtle way, that fear is a form of atheism because it tells you, “There’s no God to help you.” You move into doubt, and you freeze again.

Spiritual Warriors turn doubt into a tool. They don’t attempt to control it, but they refuse to let it control them. They use it the same way you use a guard rail when you are on a highway running alongside a steep cliff: To mark the boundary between the road and the void. As soon as you feel doubt, move back in until you find yourself once more on firm ground.”

- John-Roger (From: Spiritual Warrior, The Art of Spiritual Living)

Posted in Love | Leave a comment

be the love you want in the world

“there I only one thing to remember. Do God’s work in this world. Be God’s love to myself and all things. Go within and be God’s love and joy. Receive his love and joy. It is me and all I do.”

God's love

"there I only one thing to remember. Do God's work in this world. Be God's love to myself and all things. Go within and be God's love and joy. Receive his love and joy. It is me and all I do. ”

I created this a few days ago to remind myself of that that I know so truly … and yet so often forget.

One of my blessings in this life is my strong and sometimes relentless desire to be beautiful and to be thin and attractive. To be loved by others. To be loved by myself. Up until now, I have struggled and been challenged with my need for love from myself and others through looking beautiful. From being accepted and admired through this physical form.

I’m turning this into a blessing, and in so many ways I can see how it has been blessing and guided me all along. This obsession to be beautiful and to be thin has taught me such intense discipline to continually come back to my knowing that all beauty and love comes from within, and that I am beautiful, I am ok, I am loved simply because I am.

I am loved because I am God’s love.

It lives within me. It is alive and available and waiting with arms outstretched 25/8 … just not out here. But always in here.

Maybe it can be seen or felt out here. It can be reflected out here. But it lives and breathes within me.

Love. Deep unconditional, truly accepting, all embracing, sweet sweet love. It’s all I want. Truly it’s all I want. I just want to be loved. To be love and to be loved.

Which is very lucky indeed. Because it’s all I am. And all I have.

It’s all we are. And all we have.

Cheers to remembering it a little more.

Love you all,
Zoe

And happy birthday my dearest sweet Angel. Happy Birthday Miss Angel Harper.

“Loving yourself no matter what may sound simplistic, but it will work. When you can let go of the frustration, despair, hurt, and judgment you run against yourself, and just love yourself as you are, knowing that your worth, value, and beauty have nothing to do with your physical form, you’ll go a long way to releasing the negative energy you’ve built around you.”

- John-Roger (From: Living the Spiritual Principles of Health and Well-Being by John-Roger, DSS with Paul Kaye, p. 13)

Posted in Love | Leave a comment

the adventure in the routine

As you all know I love to juice.

I created this combo this morning and had to blog about it.

Watermelon lemon and ginger juice

Watermelon lemon and ginger juice

1/2 small watermelon.
2 lemons.
4 oz ginger. yes that’s a lot of ginger.

Makes about 3/4 Litre.

I’m all about drinking a lot of lemon because of it’s alkalizing effects, and ginger is like medicine for me (and other O blood types).

I use all organic ingredients because I get everything from my local farmers market. Which I can’t recommend highly enough. Not only is the produce so much fresher and will last so much longer, but it’s cheaper, and it brings in this community feeling to your life that is really appreciated among so many other impersonal, commercial aspects of living in 2011.

It’s the little things in life. The adventure within the routine. The surprise within the known and planned.

I wasn’t sure whether watermelon would go with lemon and ginger. But that’s what made the adventure.

It’s been so great taking more time to be with myself, love myself and nurture myself. In the past when it gets busy in my life I would let go of taking care of myself in these sweet subtle ways. Juicing does take time, but come on, not that much time.

It’s been a long road, and it’s still winding but I’m committed to loving myself and taking care of myself first, knowing that it is because of this that I can serve, can love, and can be the Light I wish to be for others.

“Experience the devotion to yourself that allows you to take care of yourself.”
- John-Roger, (From: Living Love from the Spiritual Heart, p. 28)

Posted in Awareness, coCreating, Enthusiasm, health, relaxation, service | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Complete what you start if you want more energy

If I ever needed encouragement to take the trash out of my car this is it.  I walked past this car this afternoon.  That’s right this isn’t for a movie, and it’s not a prank.  This was just on the side of the road.

Leaving loose ends in your life is like leaving loose trash in your car, it builds up and steals your energy, space and freedom

Leaving loose ends in your life is like leaving loose trash in your car, it builds up and steals your energy, space and freedom

I have been more mindful recently about completing each day. For me this means simply putting everything away from the day, so that when I wake up tomorrow my space is clear and open and my head and energy is clear and open to get energized and excited about this new and fresh day.

This may be common sense and old news to so many. But for me, this is actually a new win for me, and has been a major revelation. I unfortunately was born with the natural disposition of wanting to come home from work and throw my clothes and bags on the floor. Then make dinner and leave dishes in the sink til morning … soaking of course, but none the less not complete but waiting til tomorrow. And I would stay up on the computer and leave my office midway through emails, projects, with paper and notes laid all across my desk.

Then when things get busy, and busier, I notice that somehow the next morning I don’t manage to get those clothes in the dirty clothes basket, the dishes pile up in the sink, and who knows how many open projects I have from one side of my desk to the other.

As much as I had to laugh at this car FULL of trash … sometimes I have let my apartment and my life build up with incompletions that have cluttered my life, my mind and my energy just as effectively.

So my new habit of completing each day. Simply just putting everything away before I go to bed at night has been a revelation.

When it comes down to it … it’s actually the little things in life. The simple things that can make the most profound differences.

Posted in clearing, Completion, Freedom, health, relaxation | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

i crashed my car this week … oh what a blessing

Literally it has been such a blessing. I crashed my car on Monday of this week as I was rushing impatiently back to the office from the gym. In the past I have taken too many liberties while driving. Basically I think I thought that was a super human racing car driver that didn’t need to take the normal precautions that applies to the rest of the world.

So as you may know I graduated with my Doctorate of Spiritual Science earlier this month. The main focus of research was developing and using the ability to see everything as good, to see everything as perfect and as a blessing.

Me, at graduation from PTS with my Doctorate in Spiritual Science

Me, at graduation from PTS with my Doctorate in Spiritual Science ... my ongoing continuing spiritual education ... this week's lesson = "How to slow down and avoid crashing into other cars"

So of course after crashing into another car … I found the perfect opportunity to find out how well am I actually able to walk my talk and to genuinely experience this situation as good, as perfect and as a blessing.

For years now I am aware that I have needed to slow down. That this mentality that I don’t have enough time, that there’s always too much to do, that I’m never doing enough … clearly does not work for me. And while I know it on so many levels, this very obvious and physical experience has brought this home and anchored this into my consciousness in a way I couldn’t explain prior to it actually happening.

So often throughout the day I am often trying to live in the next 5 minutes, rather than in living RIGHT NOW. If I’m driving I’m thinking of everything I need to do when I get to work. If I’m running on the treadmill I’m thinking of all the things I need to do when I get home.

Ok so it wasn’t rocket science to figure out that crashing into someone else while driving like a hoon through the crazy chaotic streets of LA is Life Lesson 101 called “Slow Down!”. But what I am incredibly grateful and profoundly surprised with how this idea, of slowing down, of living in the now, lives more as a tangible experience or reference point in me.

So for this experience, this hitting home, this loud crash and collision that has brought my attention to the importance of living in the moment, the important of living ONLY AND ALWAYS RIGHT NOW … I am truly grateful and the value is beyond compare.

So you will all be glad to know that while my car is getting repaired, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed walking to the shops, being present and enjoying the break and rejuvenation and yes actually smelling the roses.

smelling the roses ... walking to the shops today

smelling the roses ... walking to the shops today

“Restraint means that we want to do something, but we are not sure how it will turn out. In not knowing how it will turn out, we tend to constrict ourselves inside.

Restraint is where we hold ourselves back from living our life fully and where we won’t allow ourselves to move forward because the thoughts and beliefs we are holding onto block us from looking and perceiving accurately. When we restrain ourselves, we go out of balance.

Part of this process is thinking that if we make a mistake, it will be a disaster. But the opportunity in making a mistake is, when we know what the mistake is, we can correct it. When we correct it, we’re wiser than before we made the mistake. A mistake shows you what we can learn.

Do not be afraid of mistakes. This planet is full of them.”

- John-Roger
(From: Living the Spiritual Principles of Health and Well-Being by John-Roger, DSS with Paul Kaye, p. 109)

Posted in Acceptance, Awareness, cooperation, Love, Purpose, sharing, Truth | Leave a comment

it’s all around you

Bjork, my hero

Bjork, my hero

you’ll be given love
you’ll be taken care of
you’ll be given love
you have to trust it
maybe not from the sources you have poured yours
maybe not from the direction you are staring at

twist your head around
it’s all around you
all is full of love
all around you

all is full of love (you just ain’t receiving)
all is full of love (your phone is off the hook)
all is full of love (your doors are shut)
in any language
all is full of love
all is full of love
all is full of love

- Bjork, All Is Full Of Love, from the album Homogenic

Words cannot express the love in my heart right now. I have spent the last four years working on my Doctorate of Spiritual Science and I will graduate this Thursday.

My practical treatise is called “Loving God: Serving the Spirit and Living in Joy”. And if I had to write song lyrics to describe my process, my practical treatise I couldn’t write it anymore clearly than Bjork has in her lyrics above.

My heart is full of love because I’m overcome with the perfection, the serendipity, the crazy synchronicity of living life aligned with God, with Spirit, with love. There are no coincidences. There are no accidents.

I woke up at 6am with this burning desire to update my website – to update the info tabs about J-R, MSIA, SEs, about-free-form writing, my DSS, etc. I love it when I get these bursts of inspiration and then begin on the adventure that usually follows, being led from one thing, to another. All perfectly in line. All perfectly present to love me, and to help me love.

J-R, my hero

J-R, my hero

Anyway I was testing out a new application for twitter / facebook syncing and needed to do some test tweets so began looking in my iTunes for cool lyrics to tweet … when I found these from Bjork. I sometimes use this song as a meditation, and was reminded back to certain challenging times when I would put my iPod on and be swept away in the words of this song, swept back into my heart, and into the love.

It reminded me of situations that were once full of challenge and struggle, and to contemplate those times, and to now be aware of such clarity, freedom and joy in those areas … is a blessing beyond words. Truly only the grace of God could have transformed such painful feelings and experiences into expansive open grateful ones. This work that we do with J-R, with MSIA, just bursts inside of me so brightly, so fully and so completely … and so as I restrain from shouting about it from the rooftop, I wake at 6am to sweetly post it on my website :)

I wish I could write and explain the movement inside me right now but the words aren’t coming. I’m grateful for the time, effort and love I have given to myself over the last four years, through this process of writing and living my Doctoral Practical Treatise, and feel like so much of what I’ve been asking for, praying for, and intending with my thoughts and heart, is coming to lay at my doorstep.

My words, my thoughts, my feelings and my visions, in some form or another have been: “Your will God. Your will, your love, your work. That is what I want. That is all I want. That is who I am. Help me become who I am God.”

The one vision that I use often in my mind, to bring myself into the unconditional loving that I want to live my life in and through … is a cross on top a hill … overlooking majestically beautiful lands, out to the sea, and there is sun sweeping all it sees. I am on the cross. My hands are out stretched and my heart is open. Open and pouring with love. I am smiling. And I am giving it all up. I am giving up anything I might want to call negative, or anything I might want to change, and I am grateful for it all. I am loving and grateful for it all. And I know in my surrender, my letting go that I will come to see absolutely everything as beautiful, as perfect, and as good.

I will come to experience, understand and know … that all is full of love.
That I am full of love.
That we are all nothing but. And completely full. Of love.

Posted in Acceptance, Enthusiasm, Expression, Freedom, grace, Joy, Light, Love, Purpose, sharing | 2 Comments

The Tree of Life (Terrence Malick) … Movie Review

I saw The Tree of Life last night and loved it. I would have loved a greater portrayal of the ‘choosing of grace’. But perhaps the enduring of so much “nature” (and I don’t mean the nature scenes themselves, rather the characters continual choice of their human nature, over their spiritual nature: over grace), makes the final redemption and embrace even more powerful. And perhaps the subtly of that final choice perhaps was the most realistic and poignant portrayal of how that process plays out in life … my verdict is out on that. It just seems to me that in my life I guess there’s such greater elements of joy and revelation in that choosing of grace … that I was looking forward to seeing that in a greater way.

The movie begins with the quote: “There are two ways through life. The way of nature, and the way of grace. We have to choose which one we follow.” I loved that continually throughout the movie we were given choicepoints, again and again, observing the figures on screen making their choice between nature and grace. Being the optimistic and idealistic person I am, I was looking forward eagerly during the movie that followed that quote, for inspiring moments of choosing grace and love and peace above and over all odds, of people using the Spirit, using their own love and their own goodness to bypass and persevere through great challenge and obstacle. However mostly we saw human nature and the lower levels of this earthly world win out.

At the end we do see Brad Pitt embrace his son, and with a new tongue and new tone finally see him and call him his ‘sweet boy’. This was definitely a moment of grace, of letting go of the past, and of choosing the love and life that I was hoping for. It was subtle and sweet. And perhaps as I already mentioned, perhaps the most realistic way to portray this process of transformation here on Earth …

I did completely love that more than anything Malick gave us questions. And time. He gave us these incredibly long inspired moments of beauty, music and stillness with which to be with ourselves, to contemplate, almost meditate, as we were lulled into this journey that was much more than a movie. The traditional storyline or plot seemed to be replaced with this silence and exquisite moments of beauty and harmony, and the commentary that began to take place in our own heads, in our own hearts, began to create the form and the storyline of the movie. That was indeed inspired genius and this aspect of the movie still moves and touches me as I think back to those moments of grace, of beauty, of cinematic brilliance.

I’m not educated in the art of film or in any area of fine art, but in my ignorant opinion, the art that helps us to experience and be intimate with ourselves, to show us and play with us, those deeper aspects of ourselves, our beliefs, our attitudes … is the function of art that is most valuable and truly transformational for me.

As soon as the credits began to roll a lady in the row behind me rather loudly proclaimed ‘that was the biggest piece of s*#t she had ever seen’, and I smiled and sent her Light as I could sense her frustration and lack of peace – both with the movie, and with herself.

I have such gratitude and such overwhelming awe and wonder for the process that we call grace. I always have a choice. Despite what pain, suffering, imbalance is going on or around me, I have a choice. And that choice is love.

I will always remember watching Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ for the first time, and my experience throughout this film gave me a new relationship with, and a new visceral experience of grace. To even consider that one man was able to endure such wrongful hate and pain, and to return those gestures of violence and vengeance with love and forgiveness, tells me that I am also capable of such strength, of such love, of my ability to choose grace. That experience was definitely helped that penny drop for me.

As you all know, I’m a follower of John-Roger and intimately involved with the movie The Wayshower. The Wayshower also tells a story of grace, and illustrates a path of the letting go of holding ourselves to our past, to our mistakes, to everything we wish we could have done better … and rather inspires us to forgive and love ourselves. To extend the grace that is always available, to ourselves.

This is an exciting time to be alive. 2012 is not the end of the world. 2012 may just be the most beautiful beginning we could ever imagine. Hey who knows … today, right here, right now … could be the new beginning we’ve all been waiting for …

Love you all.
Zoe

“It is by our works that we are known.

If you walk among your fellow men in balance and grace, you become a lifting force to everyone you meet. You lift all men. You may lift them in ways that do not seem brilliant or tremendous; except when the final measure is reckoned, we often find that it was the little thing that really made the difference. The difference may have been made by a pat on the back or someone saying, everything is okay. It may have been just a smile at someone who seemed a little low.”

- John-Roger, (From: The Way Out Book, p 170)

Jsu Garcia, The Wayshower

Sean Penn, The Tree of Life

And like a truly great movie it keeps changing as time passes, and the audience’s relationship with it continues long after they have left the theatre.

I’m becoming aware of the power perhaps that when choices aren’t made for us … as the movie didn’t show us how to, or overtly choose for us the path of grace … that it empowers us with a greater opportunity, a greater experience which is of course in mapping and traveling that choice ourselves.

As time passes I’m more aware that perhaps it’s the freedom, the space, the time that is given … that allows the highest path to be chosen the most easily …

Posted in coCreating, grace, Light, Love, Purpose | 15 Comments

i’m not holding back anymore

I have the awesome opportunity again to assist John-Roger tomorrow with his event with the Bodhi Tree in West Hollywood tomorrow. John-Roger to me, is the Jesus of our times. The example that he lives shines bright and luminous and above all that I’ve known and seen around me during my 32 years so far. Like Jesus’ example of love and goodness, to me, J-R lives and breathes love, kindness, compassion, honesty and integrity like no others I’ve met.

Me volunteering for MSIA 2005

Me volunteering for MSIA 2005

I remember when I first came to LA and had my heart set on working for him, and was focused on doing everything that I could to work for him and to be able to stay and live here in the States.

I didn’t care what anyone else thought of me (mostly because I didn’t know anyone), but I was just so clear and focused on what I wanted that I spoke and acted honestly and innocently from the heart.

However now that I’ve been living here in LA for almost six years now, I’m aware that I hold back sometimes. I think it’s my ego that holds me back. I’m afraid of what others will think of me, or that they will judge me. I’m invested in the people around me continuing to see me in a certain light, a certain position, a certain esteem.

I remember when I first got here I didn’t know one person and the first event I attended was conference at the Sheraton. I had the opportunity to share with John Morton and about 800 complete strangers and I shared some of the most intimate sacred personal things about myself and my life and my challenges. And I’m talking personal. Like deep dark secrets kind of personal. I had an opportunity to let go of those things that were holding me back and I wasn’t going to let what others thought of me get in the way of that.

So why is it that I am letting what others think of me get in the way of this now, perhaps? Why am I letting my ego win in its plight to preserve my ‘status’, my ‘position’, my ‘image’ to others.

Maybe I’m scared. I want everyone to keep loving me, respecting me, admiring me? But as we know this is all illusion, or put a little more bluntly … all bullshit. But some part of me is yet to catch up to this perhaps …

Really who knows what people think of me? And I do believe that it’s true that it really isn’t any of my business what other people think of me. Their thoughts are their business not mine, even if they are thoughts about me.

I have no idea how to let these fears and limitations go, yet if I’ve learnt one thing in my time with J-R and studying with MSIA and the Spirit, it’s that I don’t have to know how to do something, in order to do it. In fact often knowing how to do something can often get in the way of actually doing it. My intention and my request to God just know will bring this forward if and when it’s for the highest good. I know that. And it’s done.

So for the highest good of all concerned, in front of you all, I drop this facade. This image of togetherness, perfectness, loveliness, or whatever image I am trying to be or have to others … I ask for spiritual assistance and I let this go now.

“Restraint means that we want to do something, but we are not sure how it will turn out. In not knowing how it will turn out, we tend to constrict ourselves inside.

Restraint is where we hold ourselves back from living our life fully and where we won’t allow ourselves to move forward because the thoughts and beliefs we are holding onto block us from looking and perceiving accurately. When we restrain ourselves, we go out of balance.

Part of this process is thinking that if we make a mistake, it will be a disaster. But the opportunity in making a mistake is, when we know what the mistake is, we can correct it. When we correct it, we’re wiser than before we made the mistake. A mistake shows you what we can learn.

Do not be afraid of mistakes. This planet is full of them.”

- John-Roger (From: Living the Spiritual Principles of Health and Well-Being by John-Roger, DSS with Paul Kaye, p. 109)

J-R’s next book event is April 2nd, at the Bodhi Tree Bookstore ‘Living the Spiritual Principles of Health & Well-Being’

Posted in Freedom, Intention, Light, Love | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

the day my Doctor told me I may have cancer …

So this little gem was sent to me this morning:

“Imagine your way to vibrant health.

We already do a good job of imagining our way to illness. If this process of life is here for us to learn and grow and we can enter into illness, we can reverse the process and enter into health because the path doesn’t go one way, it stays open. If we feel like we’re stepping out of the Light, we can step right back into it again and go on and keep lifting up into the higher consciousness.

The Light and the Spirit are with everyone at all times, regardless. All we are doing is activating it.”

- John-Roger, from Living the Spiritual Principles of Health & Well-Being

John-Roger my wayshower, at a booksigning and workshop for Living the Spiritual Principles of Health & Well-Being

John-Roger my wayshower, at a booksigning and workshop for Living the Spiritual Principles of Health & Well-Being

I had a profound experience of this when I got sick last year and there was a day where my Doctor led me to believe that I may have cancer … it turned out all was OK, I’m healthy, completely and totally well now … but for that one day between getting the preliminary test results and then the conclusive test results that gave me the all clear … it was a very very enlightening and powerful day for me.

It went something like this … I completely freaked out, went into panic and let dread, fear and doubt overcome me for about 10 seconds … and then I quickly realized omg, what am I creating here!?! With these thoughts and these emotions … what I need now is love, joy and peace running and cursing through my veins, cause if I don’t already have cancer I knew I’d soon be creating it with those thoughts and emotions …

It was beyond words for me to experience that all the work I’ve been putting into myself over the last 14 years studying with John-Roger and MSIA, learning about Soul Transcendence, the Light … that I have created a consciousness that only falls down for a few moments, even in the scariest of situations, and then gets right back on top of that horse called ‘grace’ and keeps riding her into the sunset. It was truly one of the best days of my life. It was a continual moment by moment exercise in conscious choice. And I chose love. I chose to consciously love myself and be joyful and peaceful with and in myself … relaxing my body, keeping my thoughts positive, and loving and trusting my life and its path.

If you’re not already a firm believer that you are creating your health, or creating your illness, you really need to educate yourself and the sooner the better. That sounds harsh and a little direct … sorry about that. It just came in that way ;) This book will change your life. And maybe even save it. I know I’m a little dramatic today … something in the air I guess. But do yourself a favor and check out this book: ‘Living the Spiritual Principles of Health & Well-Being’ … you can get it at Amazon. And you can read a couple of chapters for free on facebook.

And if you’re in LA, stay tuned for more info about the FREE workshop + Q&A + booksigning with John-Roger*, Paul Kaye and Jsu Garcia at the Bodhi Tree, West Hollywood, April 2nd, 2pm – 5pm. More info: FREE workshop with J-R @ Bodhi Tree … coming soon facebook events that you can share with friends …

*John-Roger will attend health and schedule permitting

Posted in coCreating, grace, health, Intention, Love, Peace | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

isn’t it great we all have a voice

As you may be aware I’m busy promoting our new movie The Wayshower, and as it so happens, our co-director and star, and my good friend, Jsu Garcia is one of the stars in the also soon to be released Atlas Shrugged.

Jsu Garcia, Brenda Upright (Film Utah), Zoe Golightly @ Sundance Film Festival 2011

Jsu Garcia, Brenda Upright (Film Utah), Zoe Golightly @ Sundance Film Festival 2011

Well I’m reading all the various blogs and reviews about both movies and I just read this in the New Media Blog and was surprisingly pleased:
“When the 1,168 page book (Atlas Shrugged) came out in 1957, Robert Kirsch wrote in the L.A. Times: It is probably the worst piece of large fiction written since Miss Rand’s equally weighty ‘The Fountainhead’.”

The article was titled Will the movie version of Ayn Rand’s ‘Atlas Shrugged’ divide audiences? And I think the clear and simple answer is yes. For I know in my time of talking about others with one of my favorite books of all time ‘The Fountainhead’, I’ve certainly found many who absolutely adore it and attribute monumental character transformation to the writings in this book. And I’ve met my share of folks who think it is contrived, overbearing and should be burned.

So for me to read that one of my favorite books of all time (seriously, I love this book so much and have encourage probably a dozen other people to read it who now similarly love it with me), well to have an L.A. Times Review refer to it in such an incredibly demeaning way … well it reminds me that whomever’s expert or valued opinion you’re listening to in life – it’s still simply some-one’s opinion. Just one person’s opinion. And it’s a good thing we’re all different, we all have different opinions, for how boring it would be if we all drove the same car, loved the same books, and of course logistically and practically how would we all marry the same man or woman?

And as is usually the way, this theme of opinions, and how irrelevant they sometimes are to our own perception and reality of something has been visited me throughout today ..

So I went to the gym this morning. I work out at Equinox in West Hollywood. I think most members there are either actresses, models or porn stars. Seriously. So I often am really conscious of my own self-talk while I’m there as I don’t want to pick up on everyone’s thought forms about being incredibly thin, beautiful and manicured in the latest fashions being the only way to be happy, which can lead me into judging myself as not being beautiful enough, thin enough, or L.A. enough.

Anyway this morning I was getting dressed, half naked in a room with a dozen other half naked women with a couple of them really looking like they could use a good meal sometime soon. And you know I first started judging that: judging this particularly very very skinny girl as being too skinny and that she really wasn’t attractive at all. And then I caught myself.

I was then later thinking this afternoon, as I passed myself in the reflection of a glass door, assessing my behind, was it too big or was it ok right now? I flashed on my experience this morning and I started thinking about all the different opinions I could gather about the assessment of my ass and how arbitrary they all would be. How yes I could find someone that would tell me my ass was too big right now. But I’m also fairly certain I could find someone else to tell me that it was fine just the way that it was. And of course it then dawned on me that the only opinion that counts is mine, and what’s brilliant about that is that I get to choose exactly what that opinion is going to be. You’ll be pleased to know that I settled on my bottom is fine, just as it is.

And it also helped me earlier this evening as I was contemplating our movie and potential reviews coming up, and how truly mindblowing it has been listening to everyone’s opinions of our movie The Wayshower. It’s still so fascinating to me how we can have one person stand up in a Q and A and literally say “This is the greatest film I’ve ever seen”, and then another can leave the movie half way through loudly disclaiming everything they disliked of the movie, literally saying out loud, to noone in particular, how much he disliked the film.

And so I’m grateful that today I was reminded of the perfection in our difference, and in our differing of opinions. And as J-R so eloquently points out in the quote below, that this life isn’t one of comparison, it’s one of getting with what’s here and now … and when I do that: when I am only and completely with what’s here and now … then we are all the same. Just love, just perfect, and just completely ok as ourselves. Don’t you just love the paradox of it all? Well I do. And that’s what matters :)

“You can block your objectivity, your ability to perceive yourself and others in an objective and clear way, by entering into comparisons: “He meditates longer than I do” — “I do more spiritual exercises than she does.” “Those people are more devoted to God than I am” — “These people aren’t so good. Look at what they do.” And so on.
When you do this, you start looking at everyone as someone to compare yourself with, to see where you fit. You don’t fit anywhere as long as you are in the process of comparison. There is no place for you. You’re sitting on a timeline that extends forward or backward from today. Tomorrow, yesterday, tomorrow, yesterday, tomorrow, yesterday — then you never seem to get here.
To get right here and now, you ignore the timeline. To do this, first get yourself away from other people, even if you have to put plugs in your ears and a blindfold over your eyes. Do whatever it takes to get rid of all the distractions, the attractive disturbances all around you blocking you from awareness of your Self. Get your consciousness flowing in one positive, directed stream of energy.”
- John-Roger, The Way Out Book, p. 189Read The Way Out Book free on facebook

So please feel free to tell me what you think, give us your opinion on the below movie trailers … The Wayshower and Atlas Shrugged trailers below respectively …

Posted in coCreating, Intention, Light, Love, Purpose, sharing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

having more energy

One of my biggest shifts recently has been from eating for calories, or eating for wanting to be skinny, or maybe eating for taste, or for escape, or for trying to control at least something in this crazy day that I seem to be having … to my new conscious intention for eating, which is eating for energy.

It sounds common sense and matter of fact, but with the recent awareness of it, I’m amazed how habitually I begin to choose what to eat based on almost one hundred other factors before ‘eating for energy’, for life, for vitality and health.

I was inspired to write this blog after creating another inspired kitchen creation this morning. I’m letting my body tell me what I want to eat, and I’m taking away all restrictions and limitations and rather moving to a place of trust and knowing about my body and my ability to choose health for me and my body.

So I was in the kitchen this morning, it was around 9.30am and I wasn’t that hungry yet but felt tired and sluggish. Very clearly ‘ginger’ came in. I love ginger and its like my ‘new caffeine’ (seeing as I no longer drink coffee or any kind of caffeinated beverages … oh and yes that’s a whole other blog … I will write that one sometime soon). So I just kept listening while looking into my fridge, into my cupboards to see what resonated and what made sense to me and my body given I wanted to get going on taking advantage of this beautiful LA sunny Sunday morning.

So given I’d chosen ginger I decided to go with a smoothie of some kind and then coconut water came in loud and clear. I wasn’t so sure about how ginger and coconut water would go … but I was in my place of trusting so I went with it.

Ice cubes, then bee pollen, then almond butter and finally frozen bananas followed.

And the final destination … a sweet spicy tropical paradise … filled with super energy and buzz.

And it’s now 1:15 and I’m only just starting to get hungry again … a powerful sustaining way to start the day.

Ginger + Banana Super Energy Smoothie
1 massive chunk of ginger (peeled and cut into pieces)
1/2 cup of coconut water (just from a carton is fine, but choose one that doesn’t have anything else added, just plain coconut water)
1/2 tablespoon bee pollen
1/2 tablespoon almond butter
6 ice cubes
1 frozen banana (cut into pieces)
Blend completely, pour and drink!!!

Trusting oneself is powerful. Particularly when it includes ignoring the usual habitual responses, the usual limiting thoughts and emotions … and really holding for and holding into that higher intelligence that lives within. And this new focus of ‘eating for energy’ for what my body wants to make the most out of this incredible day that I’ve been given … has been leaking into other areas of my life. It’s so true that once you make a change in one area, that health and growth then starts expanding and resonating through all the others …

much love and Light,
Zoe

Posted in coCreating, health, Light | 1 Comment

doing what i love

So I would not have guessed that my life would include giving press and red carpet interviews at the Sundance Film Festival. Definitely not something that I foresaw in my future, and definitely not something I ever put energy or time towards creating.

Sundance 2011, The Wayshower

Sundance 2011, The Wayshower

This last week at the Sundance Film Festival representing The Wayshower movie, from Director/Producers Dr. John-Roger and Dr. Jsu Garcia, I have been continually inspired, and hour by hour touched by meeting a new person that is creating a life they love, by doing what they love.

It might be just me, but recently I’ve been aware of more folks sharing with me about what they’re doing, the work and lifestyle they’re creating, and that what they do is based upon what they love to do. And particularly this recent week talking with filmmakers, actors, producers and the like, it is inspiring to meet so many that are blessed to be making a living from what they love to do.

For this reason it’s been a great opportunity for me to see the fruition of my own guts and courage in following what it is that I love to do … and to see rewards and blessings come with it … far beyond my own imagination, hopes and wildest dreams.

I’ve come to learn also that there are many ways that we stumble and then begin to fall into the groove of doing what it is that we love to do. Some of us know what it is that we love and do whatever it takes to create a life full of that. And others like myself begin creating a life of doing what we love, simply by loving what we do … whatever that is.

For some this happens at a very young age and my friend Eric Lumiere is a great example of someone who very early on in life was profoundly aware of what they loved and what they knew they were here to do. Eric Lumiere writes, sings and lives music. To hear him on stage in front of a packed house, or to hear him sing as walks around the house, is to hear a natural effortless gift that makes him happy first, and very gratefully the rest of us happy also.

For others their love is born out of something perhaps challenging or with overcoming … I’m here at Sundance with my friend Kelley Raleigh, and while she will tell you herself that at school she was, at times, a ‘mean girl’, she is know using that experience, and all that she’s learnt and overcome to run workshops for teens and children with Insight seminars. Again in 2011 she’ll be taking a group of teens to Tanzania to do service work with an orphanage, and to listen to her speak of her experiences, to talk about her ‘teens’ as if they were her own … and to see her passion in transforming bullying behavior – in loving both the victims and the bullies – is to see someone alive and inspired by living what it is they love to do.

And perhaps one of my greatest mentors and inspirations is my good friend and colleague Jsu Garcia. To watch him in front of an audience – whether it be 3 people over dinner conversation – 30 people on a bus as he leads tours for John-Roger around the world – or 3000 people at a concert – he was born to entertain, to lead, and to make people laugh. His joy and Spirit exudes. It’s infectious and contagious. It simply is clearly him loving the moment, and loving what he does. And this love and passion for his life shines through in the movie that brings me here to Sundance – the movie he wrote with our teacher John-RogerThe Wayshower.


Press Release: The Wayshower at Sundance

Posted in coCreating, Joy, Light, Love, Purpose | 3 Comments

what do you want for 2011 and beyond?

“When you seek peace out in the world, are you looking for sensation? Sensation can assuage your yearning for peace, but only for a short time.
Your physical senses will eventually be stupefied by the world, and you will automatically retreat into yourself. There you will find your yearning for peace; and there is where you will find the source of peace.”
- John-Roger (From: Loving Each Day for Peacemakers, Choosing Peace Every Day)

This is day four, alone at the Zoe Golightly Personal Retreat. It’s real name is Zoe Golightly’s Retreat for the Mastering of Loving … but I’m too shy to share that with you all ;)

Me, just me, on retreat in the mountains

Me, just me, on retreat in the mountains


Spending time alone is like a detox process. At first it feels a little strange when all outer stimuli are taken away, and you’re left with just the stimulus that comes from you. The first few hours are strangely quiet, and lonely isn’t the right word, it’s more … just so much of myself.

And like during detox there is definitely some ‘stuff’ that comes up. Those thoughts and feelings you’ve been ignoring or trying to distract yourself from now has the opportunity to finally get your attention. That’s where free form writing comes in handy, and meditation. But I also get there’s something in the silence and the intention of choosing this time for myself, the ‘stuff’ seems to handle itself. Kind of like just having the courage to be present with them, not running away from them or trying to resist them, dissolves them in some kind of graceful process.

So then after the initial adjustment of being so surrounded by yourself and those things you’ve been ignoring and distracting yourself from, comes the sweet feelings of comfortableness and familiarity. Like going home to family for the holidays, it takes a while to come into the family groove, but then after no time at all everyone’s back in the flow and the familiarity of being together again.
But for me, choosing to come away and being completely with myself has a few further stages that I could only describe as peace, inner relaxation, or the coming to terms with exactly who I am is ok and in fact I really happen to like me. Very much.

Then after the peaceful stage comes the excited enthusiastic stage, like during a detox where you start flying and you have so much energy and your body starts to sing … And this is where I find myself right now.

After taking away external influences on my life it’s like I’m finally left with some space, some time and some openness to truly hear, know and welcome all of those things that are important and meaningful to me, not important or meaningful to someone else. All of my dreams, my great ideas, my inspirations and my creativity starts bubbling to the surface. So I’ve been taking advantage of that today by listing some stuff I want for 2011 and beyond, and creating painting and reminders to take home with me for my apartment fridge and walls. I also started creating a type of personal ‘code of arms’. Very fun.

I know I say this often, and I’m glad about that, but I do really just love my life. And I love that most of the things that are present for me for the time ahead are stuff you can’t see, but parts of my consciousness and loving that I want to grow, expand and evolve into.

I read this article a long time ago from J-R, and it changed my world and how I view things in a profound way, and only came to remember it while writing out my intentions for this year. I was aware that in years gone by my intentions were mostly filled with the things I wanted to achieve or acquire. And as I realized that almost everything I was claiming, creating, as I wrote them down on paper, was in some way some part of me coming further into my oneness and harmony with myself, with my Soul, with the Spirit.
“The Bible says that even before you ask, God knows your need and will supply it. What the text appears to leave out is, “as long as you are living in your heart, or God’s will.” When our hearts are open, we live in what religion calls “God’s will,” the way of universal harmony and abundance. We live in the flow with the tides and rhythms of nature, and so attuned are we with both the inner and outer things that before we even speak, our needs are supplied.
The Bible also states that the reason we do not receive abundance is that we do not ask. This refers to those who are outside of the heart function and who are not in harmony with the instinctive goodness of both nature and the open spiritual heart. Thus the Bible accounts for both kinds of people—those who have not realized the truth and who must ask, and those who have surrendered to God’s will and who can graciously receive.”
- John-Roger (From: NDH)

And of course I do still ask for things, however over time I am finding that what has become more important and useful to me is to live in the consciousness of the gratitude and knowing that everything that I have right now is so perfect for me and that all things coming my way are for me and are far beyond that that I could have had the wit to ask for.

And I do look at my life, filled with abundance and love and joy and friends and travel and things and experiences and I wonder if this abundance has come about because of my ability to let go of the things I want, and to be more open to the things that are coming to me through the Spirit.

At a time where there is so much focus on getting what you want, for me, the joy is definitely better described as wanting what I get. Not easy at times, but a habit that over time builds into greater ease, and greater and greater blessings.

Wow I really love that when I start to write I never know where I’m going to be taken.
Always an adventure.
So Happy New Year Everyone
Wishing for you years that are filled with the things that are truly beyond your imagination, wants and desires, and are greater than you could have ever hoped for.
Love you all,
Zoe

Posted in Completion, cooperation, Expression, grace, Love, Peace, service, Truth | 5 Comments

events upcoming

12.09.10 | Napa Valley, CA
Book Event with J-R

LIVING THE SPIRITUAL PRINCIPLES OF HEALTH & WELL-BEING | Booksigning, Q&A and Workshop
With | John-Roger, Paul Kayeand Jsu Garcia
Includes | Fabulous three course meal, and your copies of the ‘Living the Spiritual Principle Principles of Health and Well-Being’ book & ‘Spiritual Warriors’ DVD
Thursday December 9th | 11am – 2pm
Rubicon Estate | 1991 St Helena Hway, Rutherford, CA 94558
RSVP Requested | Contact Zoe 323-422-0002 zoe@msia.org www.msia.org
Cost | FREE!!!

Jsu, J-R and PK at the Rubicon Estate 2009

12.09.10 | Napa Valley, CA
The Wayshower Movie Screenings

THE WAYSHOWER | Preview Screenings for Friends, Napa Valley Locals & Industry
Directed by | Jsu Garcia, DSS & John-Roger, DSS
Starring | Jsu Garcia, Eric Roberts, Peter Stormare, Howard Lazar, Nina Bergman & Sally Kirkland
Thursday December 9th | Screenings @ 3PM and 5.30PM
Cameo Cinema | 1340 Main Street St. Helena, CA 94574
RSVP Requested | Contact Zoe 323-422-0002 zoe@msia.org www.msia.org
Cost | FREE!!!

Random pic from filming The Wayshower on location in Utah

12.11.10 | Moab, UT
The Wayshower Movie Screening

THE WAYSHOWER| Preview Screening to Support the Moab to Monument Valley Film Commission Fundraiser
Directed by | Jsu Garcia, DSS & John-Roger, DSS
Starring | Jsu Garcia, Eric Roberts, Peter Stormare, Howard Lazar, Nina Bergman & Sally Kirkland
Saturday December 11th | Screening @ 6PM
Star Hall | 125 East Center Street Moab, UT 84532
More Information | Call 435 259 4341 www.filmmoab.com
Cost | FREE!!!

J-R meeting Sebastian Barr, who plays J-R as a child

Me!!! The day of our big preview in Price, Utah ...

A packed house in Price, Utah for the preview screening of the Wayshower, October 15, 2010

Posted in coCreating, Enthusiasm, Expression, Joy, Light, Love, sharing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment