Thoughts for this Friday night … in between doing my best to get my inbox to zero, watching Mad Men season one and eating yogurt with frozen raspberries …
I feel like I’m close to finding something. Some new way of being that works for me that can help me out of this rut. Like I’m lost but I know home’s gonna be around the next corner. Like it’s raining and stormy now, but I know, just somehow I know, tomorrow’s gonna be just fine.
grand canyon zoe golightly 2006
Definitely something about not caring what I look like. I want to care about doing God’s work in the world. I want to care about being a channel for Light and love. I want to be focused on doing God’s work and following God’s will. I don’t want to be obsessed and to lose so much time and energy worrying doubting fearing and over-caring about what I look like.
At the same time I do want to be beautiful. I want to be stunning and stylish and beautiful. I do. And I think that’s a good thing.
Are these different things?! I don’t know.
I think caring about how I look in terms of comparison with someone else or something else or some ideal or norm is what really doesn’t work. But caring about being beautiful and full of love and Light and God’s beauty. Truly beautiful. I think this is where my key is.
When I feel free and confident to express MYself and my own unique style or sense, there’s something more that comes in than just good looks or prettiness. There’s an essence and an energy and vitality.
Like I sometimes get into judging myself for wearing such brightly colored clothes. But I think it’s just a large part of who I am. It’s truly and uniquely what makes me happy.
I found this vintage Benetton ¾ sweater in a thrift store a year ago and I think I’ve worn it once. But I LOVE it. Why is that?
vintage benetton
But I’m getting sidetracked. It’s not about clothes, or about color, or about physical looks.
What I’m getting at is that there is something that I’ve been chasing that’s been wasting and stealing my energy for sometime. And that’s simply chasing my love from how I look. And I want to know how to let go of this fruitless cause and how to continually, consistently, habitually get the love and the energy and the joy and peace I’m looking for in the world, inside of me. I want to do things and choose things and be things because it’s what I hear inside. I want to be so focused on being true and aligned with what my heart is telling me that I can no longer hear the comparisons, the judgments, the doubts, worries, fears and disappointments of not being, looking, appearing a certain way.
Dear Lord I don’t know what the answers are but I know you’ll unfold them to me. Please show me how to get this love, guidance and reassurance from within, from myself, from my Self. Please help me to let go of comparing myself to others. Please help me to let go of judging myself based on how I look. Please help me to choose my life based on what I want to do, who I want to be, and that’s a shining stunning example of your radiant Light and love. Help me to be, live and breathe that.
And as I write that I do wonder … does that sound naïve, utopian or hopelessly altruistic. Or maybe intensely arrogant and self-obsessed.
And the interesting thing is that it does come from a place inside of me that is so selfish in so many ways, yet selfish in the most positive sense. And I love that this comes much more naturally now, but the motivation and drive for wanting to be God’s love and Light in this world, is because that’s the best way I know to get God’s love and Light in this world. That’s my plan for getting the joy and peace that I want. I know that when I’m in the flow and I’m walking as one with the loving, I am the loving, and I feel, and am aware of such love.
That’s all. That’s all I want. I just want love. I want to be loved. I want to be loving. I want love love love.
And I’m back at the place I usually find myself when I come into the presence of the Lord, of the place inside that is true and whole.
And that is that love is the only thing we have. And that love is the only thing that is.
God help me to see, live, breathe and experience everything as love. Help me to love it all as you, as a part of me, and as all a complete and perfect gift for me.
I’m so grateful to love God in the passionate tangible personal way that I do. I love God more than I love any human here. I love God more than any single anything here. And I don’t know how I do this. I just feel like it’s a gift that’s been given to me. This sense or sensation, this awareness or feeling that overtakes me and makes me feel good all over and gives me this feeling of love for all things. But more than all things … for God.
I don’t even know what God is. I have no idea. And I’m glad I know enough to know that it’s not important, or perhaps more pertinently: impossible.
What I do know is that I love God. And this is my key.
Loving God is all there is. Nothing exists outside of loving God.
And I know on a theosophical level this is true, but to feel and be aware of this as an energy in my body, in my mind, in my emotions and in my life. I am truly blessed. And I am eternally grateful.
“As my Soul began to stir and come awake and consciously seek a path home to God, I began to feel more and more removed from this world and more “homesick” for the world of Spirit. I don’t think this is unique. I think many people experience this in their lives. It often feels like something is missing. Sometimes there is a sense that we don’t truly belong here. And sometimes there are feelings of sadness or despair or a sense of having an invalid life or an invalid expression.
I think these feelings occur when we have separated from our Soul, when we have lost track of its existence and are trying to deal with the world on its terms, rather than nurturing our connection with Spirit.
The Soul wants to experience more of itself because there is joy, loving, and peace. It wants to know itself and its own divinity.”
- John-Roger with Pauli Sanderson (When Are You Coming Home? A Personal Guide to Soul Transcendence)
