So I started a video blog 31 days ago. Today will be day 32.
It was something that I intuitively was aware I needed to do, for over a year, but wasn’t sure why or if I really should. I mean talk about getting naked and vulnerable, and would it really serve anything or add value to me and my process?
So I didn’t come to any conclusion about that before starting, except that I knew it would hold me accountable to myself in a more powerful way than before. I have journaled, and I also blogged my journaling from time to time, but I knew that if I made the commitment and shared it through video online, then I would most probably be more inclined to follow through and do it daily.
And yes that was true. Holding myself accountable in that way has definitely been valuable, but the value that I see now has been much more transformational and life-changing than I had anticipated.
My challenges with food, eating disorders and body-image have dominated my inner life for well over 20 years now. I’m 34 now, and I clearly remember turning to food and binging and learning to throw up when my Mum was sick and when she died, but I also remember really not liking my body well before that as well. And I don’t think most of the closest people in the world have known this until now.
Why have I kept these challenges to myself, and why have I not felt that I could share and seek help from loved ones? I don’t really have these answers, except that I do know that I have been very attached to everyone seeing me as competent, confident, ok, strong, and successful. I have also in some way, felt that my love from the people in my life depends on them thinking those things. And while I know rationally that that’s not the truth – that the loved ones in my life will and do love me even though I’m not perfect, and even if I’m not always competent, confident, ok, strong and successful … there has been an irrational subconscious part of me that has defended and protected myself and my ability to get love and be loved, by not showing this challenged, suffering area of my life to anyone.
So somehow or someway, the more wise and loving part of me knew that this video blog would of course blow the lid off my hiding and trying to protect the world from seeing my imperfection and challenges. But I didn’t anticipate how healing and transformational stepping out into the open, into the Light, into awareness, would be.
I have learnt so many things about myself, but mostly I am learning to trust my oneness and my co-creatorship with God. I am learning that I can relax and let go and that God will come in on my intention and loving and create my life and my experience for me, with miracles and magic far greater than any fantasy or imagination.
This was my prayer right from the beginning of this most recent journey. After I started throwing up again late last year, and it escalated to a point where I thought I perhaps needed to check myself into rehab, my prayer became: God you’ve got to help me and do this for me. My way is not the way. My pushing, controlling, manipulating, and forcing myself into some new diet, or some new program, or some new exercise plan / cleanse / fast / system … is not the way. I want to relax and learn to trust myself and to learn to trust that I will take care of myself and love myself into the most beautiful and perfect form for me. I want to relax and learn to trust myself that this body is perfect for me and that I am co-creating it with God in the most perfect way to be the most perfect channel for Spirit and love on this planet for me.
This idea of ‘perfect for me’ has also been useful and powerful, and helped me to move out of comparison with other people or things, but to move into the alignment of my relationship with God and my own unique perfect manifestation of my life and my journey. Acceptance and loving for where I am, and a knowing that everything is truly perfect right now, and has been brought forward from God, for me, for right now.
So this process through my video blog has brought such Light and awareness on myself and my life, and I can see myself and my life much more clearly. What I have also been able to see, is the amount of shame and guilt I had created relating to this part of my life also. Not only was I using so much of my precious time and energy to hide and mask myself into something that I wasn’t, but in this action of hiding and dishonesty, I was feeding such guilt and shame that I simply wasn’t consciously aware of.
So as I share every day, talking openly and honestly about what my process is and has been, I am naturally moving into a profound level of acceptance and loving for myself and my process. Instead of hiding from it, dreading the day that anyone would ever know about this dark side of my life … I am now each day stepping into further healing and releasing of the shame and guilt that I have created, and am stepping further into the awareness and experience that I am ok, that with all my flaws, mistakes and imperfections, that I am loved and I am ok.
I knew the idea of doing this video was big. But I did not foresee the immensity and beauty of the gifts I would receive in doing so.
Thank you to everyone for all their love and Light along the way. It is truly and indeed received. And my love and Light goes out to each of you for all that you are, and all that you are walking through.
Love you all,