[I felt inspired and excited to go to the farmers market at Larchmont this morning. I was tired and relaxed with what today would hold for me, and after chatting with God after I woke up, I was blessed and inspired by the sweet serendipities that blessed my morning. From getting a park (which during the Larchmont farmers market is indeed miraculous), to the busker at the market playing my favorite songs.]
I’m so aware in this moment that my big key right now for moving and change and releasing addiction is to in a consistent, authentic way speak to and ask God for what I want – talking to God, listening to God, being with God in these areas of my life.
“We receive not because we ask not”. And if we receive not even when we’re asking, for me it is great counsel to look at what are my motivations for asking and what is it that I’m truly asking for.
In essence, and in my experience as much as I can decipher, it is that I am always asking for love. To be loved, to be loving, to be love. To experience, know, be aware of love and of ourselves as loving … manifests in, maybe, every single want, desire, need on the planet.
And if love only lives within – if the only love that is real and everlasting – only comes from within ourselves – comes from ourselves – from our direct connection to Spirit and God within – is there any need? Any want that is worth paying attention to? Why not just pay attention and get busy at getting my love from within?
Well for me where this becomes challenging is that living in this ideal doesn’t take into consideration the patterns and desires and implications of being a human being. There are things we’ve come to experience and create and develop … as ways to know ourselves in greater ways of that loving that is the Spirit.
So my quest over the last couple of weeks has been to bring myself into greater harmony with this want and need to be beautiful and thin, and for my addictive patterns of wanting to get love, comfort, escape and satisfaction from food.
These two things for me: trying to get my love from food, and trying to get my love from the idea that if I am thin and beautiful I will be loved by others, and therefore I will be loved. These are addictions that I have been given to assist me in learning more fully how to have compassion for myself as human, how to love it all, and how to overcome the challenge and the temptation to get my love from outside of myself.
This is not a new awareness for me. However granting myself permission to truly forgive myself for my humanness, and to extend a phenomenal new level of compassion to myself and my addictive patterns, is.
And while I have used a myriad of techniques and tips and tricks trying to transcend these addictive patterns, to try and teach myself to get my love from within and not from without, my recent focus of simply putting it in God’s hands and asking for what I want, has brought me the most peace and movement forward in this area.
I think what’s key here for me is the fact that I am going directly to the source – the ‘formless’ – for my guidance and assistance.
God has brought so much loving and insight through in so many various forms – in teachings and ideas and programs and techniques and plans and methods to overcome addiction – yet they are all ‘form’.
We are all so unique, all so directly connected to God, that for me recently to step into a truly unknowing place, a completely open and receptive place of “God I don’t know how to do this. Please do it for me, with me and through me.” An ongoing dialogue every day, as much as I can, to go within and ask God to clear and balance these addictions. To love me and teach me through this process. To upgrade my behavior, thoughts and experience to a higher alignment and vibration of you.
And so for the past couple of weeks my experience has been challenging, still so much doubt and so much inner conflict of wanting these things of the physical world, and wanting to make the right choice and the disappointment and condemnation when I feel like I’m falling short. And yet very slowly and subtly I am aware of my ability to forgive myself for these inevitable fallings down. I am aware of serendipitous ways in which I am attracting support for healthy eating and exercise and other ways to take care of myself – to fill and lift myself up with my loving within. And I am through chatting with God, through asking God so often throughout the day – for help and guidance – I am starting to be more aware of his presence in my relationship with food and with these issues.
I am more and more that because I am spending time with him in asking him to be with me through this and assist me through this – I am more aware that I am not alone and that I am not fighting an uphill battle that is futile and doomed on every level. Its a subtle but powerful sense that God is in this with me and I am much more trusting and believing that I will see a successful resolution to this. That I will not be fighting with myself for the rest of my life – pushing, controlling and contorting myself into a particular body image or a particular set of rules about food and being skinny.
My intention is that through grace – that this process be easy, relaxed, natural and joyful – that I gracefully discover a new balance, a new rhythm and harmony with food and with my body image. That God will serendipitously lead me there and that it will be easy and fun. There is no will power or rules needed. Just grace, love and trust, fueled by my energy, time and intention to speak with God, to ask God, to listen to God, and to my very best ability to cooperate with and align with God.
So I’m excited to see how it will continue to unravel … but so far over the last couple of weeks I feel much more peaceful and trusting of myself.
Light to the continued journey … to be continued.
“As you practice spiritual techniques, you become more and more familiar with the flow of energy patterns that manifest within your consciousness. As you become more familiar with the many levels of your consciousness, you feel more comfortable with yourself and with others in relation to yourself. By continually working with the energies inside ofyou, you learn to recognize what they are, their purpose, their function, their direction. You relax more and more with your own beingness, bringing forward a greater integration of all the levels of yourself.
As this happens, you are no longer at the mercy of your physical habit patterns, emotional addictions, mental games, or unconscious urgings. You are able to successfully direct yourself into more positive patterns of behavior and expression.”