Am I crazy, codependent, or is it just my period?

I’ve had one of those days.

The ones where I thought it must be about 7 days before my period, until I looked at my iPeriod app and realized nope … it’s still another 17 days.

Eric has been in Amsterdam for the last few days, and so I’ve been in London on my own. And while I have been busy with coaching clients and catching up on a couple of marketing consulting projects … I have really missed him and was looking forward to him coming home this morning.

I got up super early (which was a challenge as I’m still contending with some form of jet lag), to do a lot of work this morning, so that I’d have more free time for the rest of the day.

He was supposed to be back in London at 11:30am … but at around 10am he texted to say he was staying for another day.

While rationally I was completely ok with him staying another day. Of course. I mean it will only be a 4 days since I’ve seen him. Seriously most of me is laughing at how ridiculous I sound. Trust me I know. I’m crazy. Stop laughing at me. Seriously I know this sounds insane.

But that’s why I’m writing this.

I know I’m crazy. And I know we’re all crazy.

And it’s so important to embrace and love our crazy.
It’s our gold.
Our alchemy.
Our breakthrough moments.

So while yes most of my head was saying no worries! He’ll be home tomorrow.
Another irrational part of me just felt really sad that he wasn’t coming home until tomorrow.
Like super sad.
Like unshakably sad.

And so whenever I have this kind of irrational response — something that truly feels crazy compared with the situation — I know that there is some unconscious material that is ready to be cleared. Some block or pattern deep within my psyche that’s ready to expand and evolve.

And so this morning I felt a lot crazier than usual.

And so I did try and just cope with my day in this heavy, depressed state quite a while before resigning myself to spending time with myself to really hear and heal the sadness I was feeling.

Almost as soon as I started writing, I was crying, and was flooded with memories of my Dad leaving at age 3. It was profound. Beautiful and amazing. As I got to hold that small 3 year old who was so confused about why he wasn’t coming back.

I have no idea how humans work, and less idea how emotions work.

But it is always so amazing to me how some small inconsequential event can trigger a deeply held painful experience from the past, and in this case, one from more than 30 years ago.

So had I ignored, avoided, or judged my irrational emotions as stupid, wrong, and not valuable, I would have missed out on the profound healing and forgiveness that happened today.

All I know is that it’s amazing.

And I know that from being with so many of my crazy irrational feelings over the years, that it is my experience, truly, that even our craziest emotions are truly working for us — they are in some way trying to get us love, protect us or support us — but often in ways that no longer work.
So if we embrace them, we have the opportunity to hear, heal and rewire them.

And for me — the quickest way to express and expand through these kinds of emotional opportunities — to hear them and truly heal them — is to give them a voice.

I’ve made a lot of the ways that I give my feelings a voice — and how I work this process available for free throughout my blog @ zoegolightly.com — and I’m exploring how I can share even more ways to use emotions as the transformational resource that they are.

But for now I’m just grateful I’m writing and sharing again.

Phew. What a day. I’m so high right now, I feel like such a load has been lifted. So grateful.

And so grateful to be back in the swing of writing // blogging // sharing my process … and because I have this strong intention inside to shine a new direct Light on what emotional health is … and can be.

I mean we hear about #MentalHealth all the time … and over the next 100 years … I think we are going to be learning a lot more about what #EmotionalHealth is and how to enjoy and expand our lives by taking advantage of our emotionality — rather than ignoring or avoiding negative emotions as we are trained to do as a society.

I mean #EmotionalIntelligence refers to how we can be aware of, control, and manage our feelings or emotions, but it doesn’t address the profound value and information that lives under the expression of our emotions. It doesn’t touch on how we can release our unconscious blocks, simply by giving our emotions a voice, and welcoming the ways in our coping or protective mechanisms are trying to support and care for us. And then of course once we shine the Light on the mechanism present, we are then able to rewire that misidentification or misjudgment back from one of holding back, or holding in, to an energy that can be expressed, released and resolved.

I used to think you could graduate from crazy to sane.

I used to think that if I did a certain amount of personal development or spiritual work, then I would be happy all the time. And I would then be free of negative emotions. I would never again feel hurt // angry // sad // upset // out of balance.

But my experience, and through the privilege of knowing some of the greatest Spiritual Masters on the planet at this time, I know that emotional challenge doesn’t go away, and that we wouldn’t want it to — because it’s one of the easiest ways to keep growing, keep evolving, and to keep expanding our consciousness.

And this is the hard part for me to say — but it could be the part I mean the most.

If you do have some crazy feelings, particularly when it comes to relationships — I am here for you.
I’d love to support you in clearing whatever is going for you, and to stepping into the relationship that’s waiting for you.

I spent 20 years of holding my feelings in // back // down.
This unfortunately meant that I was also keeping my real love // my intimate love // my ‘All In’ love back from the world.
And it was no coincidence that shortly after learning how to open up // be intimate // be vulnerable … that I found the perfect relationship for me.

Your crazy is your beauty // your strength // your deep unconditional loving.

Stop running from it.
Embrace, hear and heal it.

I am hoping to take on another couple of clients over the next couple of months — but know that I do ONLY work with clients for a minimum of 6 months, and my rates have risen due to demand.

But I would love to serve you in a complimentary session and consult if you are called.
I would be honored to help you alchemize your past into the love of your life.

Love you all,
xooxoxoxoxoxoox. (My trademark too many x’s and o’s — oh wait — that’s right, there’s never too many x’s and o’s.)
Zoe

Oh and also — as my practice has really picked up, (which I am so thankful for — thank you so much for all of your support — this is a dream come true and I owe so many referrals and so much support from many of you), I no longer have the time to really edit and polish my posts — if I actually want to publish them.

So please excuse any typos and grammatical errors. I trust you’ll be able to get my heart beyond my limitations.

So much love to each of you.


I’ll leave you all with some pics from London … Eric and I at Ministry of Sound for the Premiere of one of Eric’s Music Collaborations // A pub for lunch // Eric and I at the gorgeous you-must-visit Borde Hill Gardens in Haywards Heath // A stunning shot from Borde Hill Gardens.

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